Breaking Down the Aughts :: Ten People, Places and Things I'm Thankful to Have Encountered Over the Last Ten Years.

And here they are, in no particular order.

The Realization of Bubba Ho-Tep ::

This is what happens when one of my favorite icons [The Big E], and one of my favorite actors [Bruce Campbell], and one of my favorite authors [Joe Lansdale] is put into a blender by an alchemist from the House of Coscarelli and turned into pure cinema gold. Hands down, my favorite movie of The Aughts.

Case Closed ::

I'll admit the previews for TNT's The Closer, with the fiddle-dee-dee approach of Kyra Sedgewick's Deputy Chief Brenda Lee Johnson, didn't do much for me. Luckily, I still tuned in and found one of the best ensemble pieces to come down the pike since ... I don't know when. Solid mysteries, solid twists, and a solid lead character is usually enough to hook me, but it's the secondary characters that truly fleshes this out and keeps bringing me back for more -- and I still hold out hopes for a Provenza and Flynn spin-off series.

Pegg, Wright, Frost & Associates ::

Spaced, Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz and counting...

If You're Looking for Me, You Better

Check Under the Sea, Mailbox-Head ::

Of the first wave of Adult Swim cartoons, it was the minimalist absurdity of Captain Murphy, Marco, Sparks, Debbie, Stormy, Hesh, and Dr. Quinn stuck at the bottom of the ocean in Sea Lab 2021 that made me laugh the hardest.

A New Dirty Harry for the C.S.I. Generation ::

I back-door'd into Jeff Lindsey's Dexter Morgan novels after being exposed to a couple episodes of Showtime's fantastic series, Dexter. The first novel was a new and different take on the serial killer, the second not so much, and the third needs to be retconned out of existence as soon as possible before I even think about cracking open the fourth. [... Robo-Doakes? Seriously. Robo-Doakes.] The TV series fared better, though the second season suffered, I think, mightily from the impending writer's strike come to pass. But from what I've heard the 3rd season is back on track, and firmly anchored by Michael C. Hall as the P.D. lab rat by day, avenging serial killer by night, I'm eager to get back into the blood-soaked crime scenes, so to speak.

The Quite Spectacular Spider-Man ::

Not only is this animated adaptation of old web-head nearly note perfect in tone and execution, it also strikes a perfect balance of staying true to the source material and contemporaneity that one can only watch and boggle at the action, drama and intrigue with a huge smile on your face as the [yes it even has an] obnoxious theme song gets stuck in your head. And after you've absorbed the first two seasons of episodes, that split time equally with Peter Parker and his alter-ego, you, like me, won't give a shit about Spider-Man 4 [which had a steep hill to climb after Debacle-Man 3 already] but will be more concerned about the fate of Season 3, which, being a Sony product, is currently up in the air after Marvel's sale to Disney. Regardless, it was awesome to see Gwen Stacey again, alive and well and whose fate, hopefully, isn't cast in bedrock, meaning, also hopefully, the series writers won't throw her under the bus when they get tired of her like their predecessors did.

Welcome to Dog River, Saskatchewan.

Population: Around 500 ::

Maybe its the fact that the title town and province are almost an anagram of Holstein, Nebraska, [Population: Around 100] is why I love this show so much, but even if you're not rural in your roots the hick humor and hayseed buffoonery of small town life as portrayed by the Caknuckle-headed denizens in Corner Gas is pretty damned funny.

The Three Faces of Andy Serkis ::

The British Invasion via BBC America ::

Life on Mars

Wire in the Blood


Messiah


Spaced


Black Books


Dr. Who

Fighting Crime with Ed Brubaker ::

As the decade progressed and my stack of monthly slicks from the old comic shop whittled down to almost nothing as both major companies made some monumentally stupid decisions, decisions equivalent to jamming your car into reverse at 80mph, destroying your transmission, and turning your only means of transportation into a giant paper-weight of grinding gears going nowhere fast as the engine slowly devours itself, there was one author who seemed immune and continued to draw my readership: Ed Brubaker. And from his revamp of Catwoman [with Darwn Cooke], to Gotham Central [with Greg Rucka and Michael Lark], to his incredible run on Captain America [with Steve Epting], where Steve Roger's death was way, way more than a cheap gimmick to boost sales, and the resurection of Bucky Barnes is anything but hackneyed, nobody did it better. And if that wasn't enough, his Criminal series is just as good, and I've just started going through his Daredevil trades and am happy to report everything this guy touches seems to turn to gold.

The 4th Annual Christmas Craptacular All Night Movie Marathon!

There is nothing wrong with your web browser. Do not attempt to reload the page. We are controlling transmission. If we wish to make it lewder, we can suggest a few other sites. If we wish to make it cleaner, sorry, we can't help you. We can reduce your focus to a soft blur, or sharpen it to crystal clarity. We will control the horizontal. We will control the vertical. For the next 12 hours, sit quietly and we will control all that you see and hear. You are about to experience the awe and mystery which reaches from the inner mind to ... The 12 Hours of The Outer Limits.

(With all sincerest apologies to Frederic Austin and Leslie Stevens.)

On the First Hour of Christmas
The Outer Limits gave to me
A Demon with a Glass Hand.

On the Second Hour of Christmas
The Outer Limits gave to me
Two Second Chances
And a Demon with a Glass Hand

On the Third Hour of Christmas
The Outer Limits gave to me
Three Mutants
Two Second Chances
And a Demon with a Glass Hand

On the Fourth Hour of Christmas
The Outer Limits gave to me
Four Specimens Unknown
Three Mutants
Two Second Chances
And a Demon with a Glass Hand

On the Fifth Hour of Christmas
The Outer Limits gave to me
Five Corpus Earthlings
Four Specimens Unknown
Three Mutants
Two Second Chances
And a Demon with a Glass Hand

On the Sixth Hour of Christmas
The Outer Limits gave to me
Six Zanti Misfits
Five Corpus Earthlings
Four Specimens Unknown
Three Mutants
Two Second Chances
And a Demon with a Glass Hand

On the Seventh Hour of Christmas
The Outer Limits gave to me
Seven Expanding Humans
Six Zanti Misfits
Five Corpus Earthlings
Four Specimens Unknown
Three Mutants
Two Second Chances
And a Demon with a Glass Hand

On the Eighth Hour of Christmas
The Outer Limits gave to me
Eight Tourist Attractions
Seven Expanding Humans
Six Zanti Misfits
Five Corpus Earthlings
Four Specimens Unknown
Three Mutants
Two Second Chances
And a Demon with a Glass Hand

On the Ninth Hour of Christmas
The Outer Limits gave to me
Nine Architects of Fear
Eight Tourist Attractions
Seven Expanding Humans
Six Zanti Misfits
Five Corpus Earthlings
Four Specimens Unknown
Three Mutants
Two Second Chances
And a Demon with a Glass Hand

On the Tenth Hour of Christmas
The Outer Limits gave to me
Ten Galaxy Beings
Nine Architects of Fear
Eight Tourist Attractions
Seven Expanding Humans
Six Zanti Misfits
Five Corpus Earthlings
Four Specimens Unknown
Three Mutants
Two Second Chances
And a Demon with a Glass Hand

On the Eleventh Hour of Christmas
The Outer Limits gave to me
Eleven Children from Spider County
Ten Galaxy Beings
Nine Architects of Fear
Eight Tourist Attractions
Seven Expanding Humans
Six Zanti Misfits
Five Corpus Earthlings
Four Specimens Unknown
Three Mutants
Two Second Chances
And a Demon with a Glass Hand

On the Twelfth Hour of Christmas
The Outer Limits gave to me
Twelve Feasibility Studies
Eleven Children from Spider County
Ten Galaxy Beings
Nine Architects of Fear
Eight Tourist Attractions
Seven Expanding Humans
Six Zanti Misfits
Five Corpus Earthlings
Four Specimens Unknown
Three Mutants
Two Second Chances
And a Demon with a Glass Hand

Happy Holidays All.
(Or Bah! Humbug, where applicable.)
And Remember, Some Presents Shouldn't
Be Opened Until Doomsday.

We now return control of your web browser to you.
... Until Next Christmas.
(And be wary of the Ghosts of Christmas Craptaculars Past.)

Sounds of the Season :: The Ventures : Sleigh Ride

Teenage Caveman and The Beach Dickerson Drinking Game!

When watching Roger Corman's prehistoric / post-apocalyptic tale of teen angst railing against the scourge of archaic dogma all wrapped up in a bearskin loincloth and stock-footage lizards, if you look close enough you'll spot the same extra popping up over and over again only to be killed off over and over again. And it was this paradoxical anomaly that inspired Yours Truly to invent The Beach Dickerson Drinking Game. All you need is a stash of your favorite brew, a copy of Teenage Caveman, and a sharp eye and a healthy thirst. Beyond that, the rules are simple. Every time you spot our boy Beach, take a drink. And on the occasions when he dies, drink twice. And on the occasions where he manages to kill himself, finish off whatever's left in your glass / can.

For those of you without a copy of the movie, fear not! For I have provided the home version of The Beach Dickerson Drinking Game for you viewing and drinking pleasure. Now, arm up and lets get snockered together, shall we.

And here, at 3:25 mark, we have our first official sighting. Drink.

Be sure to keep your eyes peeled during the crowd scenes. Drink.

Guess who got to wear the bear suit? Drink.
And guess who doesn't survive the hunt? Drink twice.

Here he is again, hungry for some bear. Drink.

And again. Drink.

And when they cross the forbidden river,
our boy is the last one in. Drink.

And when the shit hits the fan across the
forbidden river, our boy is the last one out. Drink.

Alas, one misstep leads our boy to his doom. Drink twice.
What? That's it already? I'm not even buzzed yet.

Oh, wait. There he is again. Drink.

And again. Drink.

...And again. Drink.

Who's that man from the Burning Plain? Drink.

And who's that guy in the crowd watching the
man from the Burning Plain? Drink.

And guess whose lethal spear that is?
Yeah. Finish your drink.

Whoops. Check that. He's not quite dead. Drink.

Never mind. Drink twice.

Turns out he's still alive ... Drink ...

... And well ... Drink ...

... And patiently waiting to see what his
director does to him next. Drink.

And as we barrel toward the climax ... Drink ...

... Don't let that wig fool ya ... Drink.

And it only seems appropriate that when the dust settles and The Beast that Gives Death with its Touch is vanquished, our boy Beach is still standing when the movie and our sozzled drinking game comes to an end, even though we're probably not. *hic*

Rehashed Reviews Volume X :: Red Scares, the Horrors of Hydrophobia, and Vincent Price -- Action Hero!

Sorry, folks, with the Holidays fast approaching this'll only be a mini-batch of rehashed reviews. And though the selection be small, there's still plenty of tasty treats to choose from. We've got a couple Albert Zugsmith oddities, one where the Cold War turns Red hot, the other an opium-fueled fever dream. Or, if you dare, you can sample a couple of treats concerning the disciples of the Great Cloven One. Chose wisely, my friends. Your soul and Captain Kirk's are riding on your decision!


Invasion USA :: Long before Chuck Norris had a bazookian stand-off with Richard Lynch, Albert Zugsmith invaded and overran the United States with a horde of rabid Commies, who find easy pickings when most Americans seem to be content to sit in a bar and drink and watch the war on TV.

Confessions of an Opium Eater :: Mercenary for hire Vincent Price finds some big trouble in little Chinatown when he's hired to disrupt a yellow-slavery ring. And by the end of the first bizarre reel, you'll probably be confessing to a few bong hits, too.

Incubus :: It's the Shatner versus the devil in the form of a coven of female succubus. But by the end, we're not sure who is really seducing who with the power of Esperanto. Click on over and check out the Captain's *ahem* log.

I Drink Your Blood :: David Durston's PSA on the horrors of Hippies for Satan and Hydrophobia is about [this] close to being an all time gonzoidal cult classic. How close? This close.

And we'll wrap this update up with two more B-Fest recaps as we run-up to B-Fest 2010, A&O Film's Annual 24-Hour B-Movie Marathon. Check out the Agar, Alice and Airline disasters of B-Fest 2004, and then see how The Apple strikes back at B-Fest 2005!

And now, the Fine Print: All of these reviews have been extensively rewritten and updated with larger vid-caps, trailer links, poster art, and the corresponding newspaper ads if I can dig them up. And as with all redesign projects, there's gonna be some bugs ... so I'll go ahead and apologize now for all material currently offline, the broken links and lost art you might encounter. Please bear with us as we clean this up. Your patience and feedback are much appreciated. Now get to reading!

Trailer Park :: I'm All Highway!

The small town rivalry between a garrison of State Troopers and the local police comes to a head when State budget woes says one of them has to go. And to try and one up each other, these warring factions compete to solve a murder and bust up a drug smuggling ring to prove who's more worthy.

I'm ashamed to admit but when I first saw the trailer for Super Troopers back in 2001 I thought it looked irredeemably stupid. However, upon my second viewing of the Super Troopers trailer, several things cracked a big smile on my face -- especially that bit with the stainless steel nut cup. Then, after a third viewing, I finally went and rented the damn thing, and while watching it, I proceeded to laugh. A lot. And, more often than not, laughed really hard.

Jay Chandrasekhar, Steve Lemme, Kevin Heffernan, Paul Soter and Erik Stolhanske first teamed up at Colgate College in 1989, and honed their sketch comedy skills in a student film, The Tinfoil Monkey Agenda, and that cemented their course in feature film making. Taking the name Broken Lizard, the group's first effort, Puddle Cruiser, focused its comedic eye on college life, and proved such a big hit on their college tour more investors came forward to help finance their next feature, Super Troopers.

The overall storyline is basically irrelevant as the film is more of a throwback to the comedies of my youth, like Caddyshack and Strange Brew, where the plot exists solely to string together several comedic sketches, vignettes and scenes that showcases the cast, who all perform beautifully. The Troopers, Thorny (Chandrasekhar), Mac (Lemme) and Foster (Soter), are more concerned with personal antics like tormenting speeders, hazing their rookie, Rabbit (Stolhanske), and playing pranks on the surly dope, Farva (Heffernan), then solving any real crimes. At the eye of this comedic storm, and the rock that holds the film together, is Brian Cox's Captain O'Hagen, who tries but mostly fails to keep them in line. His men's antics are lewd, crude and [nearing the borderline of] socially unacceptable, but the characters lack the mean-spiritedness that permeates most frat-boy-fueled comedies these days. I don't know. All the humor in comedy lately seems to be grounded in bodily fluids, demeaning others, and a general meanness that spawned a new genre that someone else so rightfully dubbed [-- but I wished I had, dammit]: When bad things happen to Ben Stiller's privates. It's a cheap laugh, but a laugh nonetheless. These films are funny, sure; they just aren't that funny in my book.

When Super Troopers premiered to rave reviews at The Sundance Film Festival, it was quickly snatched up by Fox Searchlight Pictures for general release. It had a modest box office return but would go on to be a sleeper hit on home video, where it soon exploded into one of the most quotable comedies of the Aughts. And the studio was so impressed they signed Broken Lizard to a multi-picture deal, leading to the release of Club Dread, which, when I saw it on the day it opened, made me wonder if these bunch of comedians realized they were making the most effective giallo in years? Alas, Club Dread fizzled at the box office, and I'll admit that Beefest was disappointing at first encounter but seems to be improving with age -- and is worth the price of a rental for the frog gag alone. Which brings us to the recently released Slammin' Salmon, whose trailer, frankly, made me retreat to the nearest corner with my Super Troopers DVD tightly clasped to my chest to weep silently for awhile.

But then again, Super Troopers took me by surprise because I wasn't expecting that much from it, either so I'll still hold out some hope. In all of the Broken Lizard's films, the humor is far from sophisticated but the troupe proves adept at the right balance between absurd, witty, sublime, and clever, and yes, rolling around in the gutter. And like those other famous comedies of my youth, I can watch this film, again and again; laugh at the same bits, again and again, forever; and not get tired of it one bit; epitomized by one of my favorite lines that needs to go down as the greatest piece of dialogue in the history of cinema:

"Uh ... Excuse me. Bear ... Bear-fucker. Do You need assistance?"