Showing posts with label Fantasy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fantasy. Show all posts

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Hubrisween 2017 :: E is for Equinox (1970)


Our grainy little ditty of devils, demons and dubious audio-dubbing begins with the credits already rolling over the gears and mechanisms of a clock about to strike midnight, giving one the impression time is running out for someone -- hopefully not the viewer. Then, we fade right into some intrigue as a man desperately runs away from something chasing him through the woods. He also shouts for someone named Susan; and as we get a glimpse of some bloodied, feminine legs intruding into the frame, I think we can safely assume that this is (what's left of) her. Making it to the nearest road, the man tries to flag down a passing car -- realizing too late there is no one behind the wheel! And when the possessed sedan clips the man, it then circles back to run him over again! Luckily for the victim, another car happens by; this time filled with concerned motorists, who rush to the victim's aid while the antagonistic phantom car roars off.




We then jump ahead one year and find the victim has been institutionalized since this incident. The patient is identified as David Fielding (Connell), a near catatonic, who only speaks of evil things that are after him; but the patient only turns violent whenever someone tries to take away a small silver cross he’s been death-gripping since those other motorists found him. Now, an apparent slow news day brings in a reporter named Sloane (Phillips), hoping for an interview with the patient. You see, Fielding’s bizarre roadside encounter was only the capper to a really dire day. Remember Susan? Well, she and two others, all friends of Fielding, met a violent end in those same woods; a baffling murder mystery that has yet to be solved.


Fielding, of course, is the key witness but he still ain't talking -- until the reporter shows him a picture of a Dr. Waterman: "sort of a weirdo professor from the University." And after reacting violently to this photo, the patient is quickly subdued by a couple of burly orderlies. Thus, having struck out with the patient, the reporter turns to his doctor, who chucks patient confidentiality right out the window and cues up a tape-recording of his first session with Fielding after he was committed. And as the magnetic tape turns, we flashback to Fielding getting a call from this Dr. Waterman, who wants his prized student to come to his isolated cabin deep in the woods immediately so he can share a wonderful new discovery. Fielding agrees to come and invites his buddy, Jim Hudson (Bonner), to tag along. A take charge kinda guy, Hudson decides to turn the excursion into a picnic by inviting his girlfriend, Vicki Dale (Christopher), and a Susan Turner (Hewitt) as a blind date for his terminally square pal, David. And when his friend protests, citing Watermen didn't sound quite right on the phone, Hudson assures everything will be just fine -- he typed ominously.


Anyways, this all leads to an interminably long travelogue sequence, whose eerie resemblance to the beginning of Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966) may cause an adverse, spastic fit for some viewers. But they soon run out of road and must hoof it the rest of the way to Waterman’s cabin, which our troupe finds completely destroyed! Hudson figures something must have exploded inside, but Fielding feels the structure looks caved in, not blown up. Either way, Waterman isn’t there. Then suddenly, a park ranger pops up from out of nowhere. Apologizing for the startle, the man introduces himself as Asmodeus (Woods). And if the name didn’t already give it away, we quickly deduce from this guy’s odd behavior he is pure evil. Evil! Eeeeviiiilllllll!!! And with that firmly established, Ranger Danger assures the kids Dr. Waterman is fine, saying he went back to town long before the cabin met its untimely end. Thus and so, the group decides to go ahead with that picnic, but then things get even more weird. To start, they spot a medieval castle nestled on a cliff that no one noticed coming in. Impossible. Then, they find a crazy old coot living in a cave, who makes them take a sealed book he’s been hiding before kicking them out. And then Waterman (Leiber) bolts through the scene, snatches the book, and scampers off only to apparently drop dead when Fielding tackles him -- only his body disappears when no one is looking, so the rumors of his death are thus far inconclusive.


Then, determined to have that damned picnic, as the girls lay out the food, Hudson manages to pry open the book revealing an old tome full of ancient writings, symbols, and pictures of demons, whose pages also reek of sulfur. Further exploration finds several notes from Waterman wedged inside the book, which turns out to be The Rainy Day Book of Spellcasting and Demon Summoning for Dummies that the good doctor found in the woods. He then tried to cast a few spells, resulting in a giant squid destroying his cabin -- a creature he has been on the run from ever since, apparently, bringing an end to this flashback within the flashback.




Meanwhile, back at the old coot’s cave, Asmodeus conjures up another monster, which resembles a cross between a gorilla and a Harryhausen Cyclops, and demands the hermit turn over the Book, which, of course, he no longer has. And so, after killing the old man, the beast turns his attention on The Not Quite Scooby-Doo Gang when it sees they now have the Book. And while they fight and kill the beast and stumble upon a doorway into another dimension, Asmodeus culls Susan from the others and assaults her -- this assault consisting mostly of him just snicker-snagging evil drool all over her face. And before things can be taken any further, the small silver cross Susan wears around her neck frightens the attacker off. (The same cross Fielding winds up with.) But then the poor girl can't seem to remember what happened when the others find her. (Evil drool will do that to you, ya know.)


But this goo eventually turns Susan evil, too, and she attacks Vicki. And while Fielding tries to sort them out, Hudson runs into Asmodeus, who wants to make a bargain for the Book. When he refuses, Asmodeus summons a fifteen foot ogre to persuade him otherwise. This attack scatters the group. Hudson winds up sucked into that other pocket dimension; and while it appears he comes back out it’s quite obvious he’s been replaced by an evil doppelganger conspiring to get the Book for his boss. And when he fails, Asmodeus finally reveals his true form: a giant winged demon, who chases the three survivors down, taking out Vicky first, then zeroing in on Fielding and Susan, who take refuge in a cemetery, hiding behind a tombstone adorned with a large stone cross. And when the demon swoops in for the kill, when it touches the tombstone it detonates in a fiery explosion. Fielding recovers, calls for Susan and spies her bloodied legs. Then, a huge wraith appears and declares the boy will die one year and one day from now. From this horror, Fielding flees, makes it to the road, sees a car coming -- aaaaaand this is where we came in, one year and one day later...




Like a lot of other kids, when I first saw Ray Harryhausen’s work in Jason and the Argonauts (1963), all notions of being a fireman or a cowboy were chucked out the window as right then and there, as the Children of the Hydra broke out of the ground and attacked, I knew I was going to be a stop-motion animator and monster-maker for the movies when I grew up -- just like Harryhausen did, following in Willis O’Brien’s footsteps, after being similarly infected by watching King Kong (1933). And like with a lot of kids, those dreams were soon dashed against the rocks of reality -- not necessarily due to a lack of talent or imagination, but a lack of opportunity or the proper equipment or training to follow in those mammoth footprints. Still, others who latched onto that dream managed to prevail -- and prevail most righteously. And one of those Monster Kids who managed to see it through and make good was Dennis Muren.


Muren became obsessed with movie magic at a young age and was soon determined to unlock the secrets of these special-effects; and those he managed to resolve usually wound up replicated in his home movies, first in 8mm and then 16mm. One of his bibles at the time was Famous Monsters of Filmland Magazine, which spoke to a whole generation of monster fans and offered up some arcane secrets on what made their beloved monsters go. And, as it turned out, the main force behind the magazine, Forrest J. Ackerman, the beloved Ackermonster, lived just up the road from the Muren homestead, who was most generous in answering a lot of the young enthusiast’s questions, showcasing Muren’s makeshift Monster Museum in an early issue of Famous Monsters; and even arranged a meeting with his hero, Ray Harryhausen, who was duly impressed with the young man’s burgeoning technique. But perhaps most importantly, Uncle Forry would arrange public screenings, where fellow amateur filmmakers could share their projects and get feedback on their progress from other monster-addled fanatics.



And this is how Muren became acquainted with Mark Thomas McGee, who wrote for FM and shot his own home movies, too. And then this duo became a trio when they answered a personal ad in FM placed by David Allen, looking to correspond with others who loved King Kong and the fine art of stop-motion special-effects. From there, these three would bounce ideas off each other, hone their craft, film the results, and then critique each other’s work. They also spent a lot of time in McGee’s basement watching monster movies he’d rent on his 16mm projector or catch them on the late late show. And by 1965, it was Muren who first had the notion they should pool their talents and make a full length feature film over the summer break, feeling they could do better than some of the turgid movies they’d watched -- or at least couldn’t do any worse.


Turning to his family for some financial support, Muren was given the option of spending the $3500 his grandfather had set aside to help pay for college on the project, which he did. And his grandfather’s reward? He (Louis Clayton) got to play that crazy old hermit in the cave. And through several other backers, they soon had raised a little over $6,000 for their feature. As to what they would spend that money on; the original idea was to have a group of kids marooned on an island where a mad scientist was making all kinds of monsters to torment them. This was then simplified to a group of teenagers getting lost in the woods on a way to a party, which would eventually morph into the tale of some teens lost in the woods who come under the influence of evil forces emanating from an ancient book of spells.



Drawing inspiration from two of their favorite films, Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956) and Curse of the Demon (1957), Muren would produce and co-direct, Allen would provide FX, and McGee would be listed as the other co-director and credited screenwriter; though the script was just basically an excuse to tie about a half-dozen fairly ambitious FX set-pieces together: the giant mollusk that destroys the cabin, the ape-like Taurus, the Ogre, the dimensional breach, the wraith, and the winged demon. And to help save money, most of the stop-motion and miniature models used for the film had already been built by Allen and only the winged demon would be an original piece. And to help bring them to life the production got a huge boost when Jim Danforth got involved.




Muren had met Danforth while he was working on Jack the Giant Killer (1962) and struck up a friendship. Since he was a teenager, Danforth had been working for Projects Unlimited, a freelance special effects company founded in 1957, which had won an Oscar for The Time Machine (1960); a project Danforth had worked on. Danforth would then be nominated for another Oscar for animating the shape-changing Loch Ness Monster in The 7 Faces of Dr. Lao (1964). And while Danforth would not animate anything for this amateur film, he did provide some stellar matte paintings and model work for the production, served as multiple extras, and provided a 35mm stop-motion camera for Muren and Allen to use to animate their monsters, which was a huge step-up from their usual primitive equipment.




And combine that with some kit-bashed and innovative front projection techniques, which allowed for some dynamic action instead of the usual static shots when the live-action portion was combined with the animated stuff, the end results were rather impressive. Note how many scenes involve one of the actors moving directly in front of the miniature, which was almost unheard of when using rear-projection. This front projection method would later be perfected with a lot more money for Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968).


It was Allen who animated the squid and the Taurus, while Muren animated the winged demon. And while watching these finished segments, it’s easy to see Allen was the far superior animator but Muren’s action seemed a bit more ambitious in the set-ups and the frenetic pacing, splicing it all together with some cell animation (-- courtesy of Danforth) and the live action elements. The Ogre, meanwhile, was all Muren and was accomplished with a man in a suit, a picnic table, and some fairly nifty forced-perspective work. The dimensional rift appears a little hokey by today’s standards but the technique of using several mirrors, also Muren’s idea, was highly innovative at the time. And frankly, one of the coolest shots in the whole film is the massive ghostly specter that curses Fielding, which was accomplished with Muren’s new front projection technique.





However, while all the special-effect set-pieces were highly engaging in Equinox, the story to tie them together is a highly convoluted mess that comes off rather dry and dull and dimwitted in service of the action. Not helping matters any was the spring-loaded, 16mm Bolex camera used to shoot the live-action stuff, which only allowed about 30 seconds of shooting before the film ran out. (The film was also shot without sound and was later dubbed over, and then spot-scored by Muren’s college music professor.) And so, if the actors didn’t get their lines out or just part of them, there was no time or money to do it again as the film kept pressing forward, shooting in several scenic Southern California locales without permission or permits (-- including Bronson Canyon), or in makeshift sets built in Muren’s backyard.



As for the cast: the male leads answered an ad while the two female leads were cast with high school friends of Muren and McGee. (Ackerman got them noted author Fritz Leiber to play Dr. Waterman.) All seemed pretty game when dealing with the ad-hoc nature of the production that was only supposed to last two weeks but instead dragged on for nearly two years, shooting over weekends between monthly hiatus as the script changed constantly to fit the F/X. (You can actually see the actors age on screen as their hair changes from scene to scene.) The only member of the cast that went on to any success was Frank Bonner (-- here billed as Frank Boers Jr.), who went on to minor renown as sales manager Herb Tarlek on WKRP in Cincinnati. And frankly, you have to admire the sticktoitiveness of the cast to stay with the production for that long for no pay upfront. And even when the film was finally finished, turns out it wasn’t quite done with them yet.


See, when The Equinox ... A Journey into the Supernatural (1967) wrapped Muren and company had hoped to sell it off to some late night creature feature program. (The nonsensical title came from McGee, who felt the Q and X gave it a mysterious quality.) When that didn’t pan out, a determined Muren started shopping it around several studios but got nary a nibble until he screened it for Jack H. Harris, most famous for producing the independent horror classic, The Blob (1958). Harris loved the picture but felt it needed a little polish and about ten more minutes of screen time. He offered Muren first crack at expanding the film but he turned the opportunity down, wanting to focus on the FX side of filmmaking, having had his fill of directing.


And so, Harris turned to Jack Woods, a seasoned editor and post-production supervisor, who hired all the actors back, cast himself as the lead demon, shot some new footage, restructured all of the old footage, re-dubbed it, re-scored it, and chopped the name down to just Equinox (1970). And honestly, all this tinkering did was make a confusing movie even more so; as what was once ambiguous was now overloaded with exposition. Lots and lots of exposition. And having finally seen both versions -- courtesy of the excellent Criterion Collection release, I am puzzled as to why several fairly stellar F/X pieces were left out of the theatrical version to put those sexual assault scenes in. (The winged demon really takes a hit.) Still, both versions manage a few chills and thrills, and I really dug the Body Snatchers ending, when it turns out the reporter’s whole mission was to get that cross away from Fielding, opening the door for Evil Susan to fulfill the specter's prophecy.


In the film, the equinox is described as the boundary between good and evil, Heaven and Hell. And Equinox the movie, either version, kinda falls into a same nebulous gray area between good and bad. For it isn’t a very good movie but there’s just a nugget of a something something that elevates it above its like minded amateur or even some professional z-grade brethren. It’s innovative but simple in its achievements. The film is flawed and crude and yet shows some polish and ambition. Therefore it is both excellent and amateurish. It shows some imagination and industriousness, but also looks really cheap and appears to be held together with spit and bailing wire -- and winds-up more often than not sacrificing continuity for creativity.



Muren, of course, went on to become a staple at ILM and Lucasfilm, working on things ranging from Star Wars (1977) to Jurassic Park (1993), adapting as he went with the advent of CGI. Dave Allen would continue to work in stop-motion on films like The Howling (1981) and Q the Winged Serpent (1982). Mark McGee would see a modicum of success on the big screen but is probably best remembered for writing the definitive history of American International Pictures. Jim Danforth would be nominated for yet another Academy Award for When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth (1970), and would assist Harryhausen on Clash of the Titans (1981), and would excel as a matte painter for fantasy and sci-films like Conan the Barbarian (1982) and The Thing (1982). And Jack Harris, perhaps emboldened by this risk that paid off, wound up taking on a few more first-time filmmakers, including John Landis’ Schlock (1973) and John Carpenter and Dan O’Bannon’s Dark Star (1974).




I guess in the end, then, Equinox was made by monster movie fans for fans of monster movies -- monster movies that inspired them to make one of their own. A cinematic circle of life that the makers of Equinox passed on to yet another generation of filmmakers in the “If they can do it, we can do it” as the film had a huge influence on Sam Raimi’s The Evil Dead (1981) -- most notably the lead FX man on the film, Tom Sullivan. Not too bad a legacy for a movie that is admittedly impressive, but just not very good.


What is Hubrisween? This is Hubrisween. And now, Boils and Ghouls, be sure to follow this linkage to keep track of the whole conglomeration of reviews for Hubrisween right here. Or you can always follow we collective head of knuckle on Letterboxd. That's five films down with 21 films yet to go! Oy. Up next: I Spit on Your Kangaroo.


Equinox (1970) Tonylyn Productions Inc. :: Jack H. Harris Enterprises / P: Jack H. Harris / AP: Dennis Muren / D: Jack Woods, Mark Thomas McGee, Dennis Muren / W: Mark Thomas McGee, Jack Woods / C: Mike Hoover / E: John Joyce / M: Jaime Mendoza-Nava / S: Edward Connell, Barbara Hewitt, Frank Bonner, Robin Christopher, Jack Woods, James Phillips, Fritz Leiber

Friday, October 6, 2017

Hubrisween 2017 :: A is for Adam and Eve vs. the Cannibals (1983)


Today’s scripture lesson is taken from the Book of Cheapjack Italian Exploitation Movies, Chapter Mondo, verse Nudie. Thus and lo, our totally bonkers and slightly blasphemous tale begins at the very beginning. For, In the beginning... God created the heavens and the earth via some scotch-taped together stock-footage stolen from a smoldering dumpster in the alley behind the National Geographic Society. And so, grainy looking earthquakes quake as the earth is cracked open and torn asunder while faded and off-color volcanoes belch fire and lava. Eventually, the stock-footage was exhausted, the world settled down, and God said, eh, close enough. And then the Creator filled this new world with all kinds of flora and fauna courtesy of more pilfered footage: this time, the source most likely some Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom reruns. And yet He still wasn’t satisfied and had one more creative itch left to scratch. A decision He would probably later come to regret. A lot.




And so it was written there came upon the earth what looked like a giant ravioli, which soon ruptured most messily from the inside out as the contents -- under pressure, apparently -- scraped and clawed his way out of this makeshift placenta. And once the gruesome afterbirth washed away, man officially sprung from this ersatz womb and walked the newly minted earth. And then, yea verily, the Almighty doth turned the keys over to Adam (Gregory) and told him not to wreck this beautiful Eden. And for awhile, Adam kept his hands at 10 and 2 as he explored his domain, hiking through jungles, discovering water, laughing at his reflection, watching animals do what animals do, but, in truth, Adam spent most of his days voguing, striking poses, looking slightly confused as he stared off in the distance at nothing in particular.




Perhaps Adam was lonely, sayeth the audience, which would explain why he found himself on the beach one day sculpting himself a sex-doll out of the wet sand. But the Lord said, “None of that, little mister,” and sent a rain shower to wash this pagan idol away. But Adam, either trying to protect his creation or dry-hump it before it dissolved -- hard to tell for sure, flings himself on top of the sculpture. And so, his Creator saw this and took pity on him. And so and so, when the sand washed away, it revealed a woman buried underneath. And not just any woman, but a hot blonde endowed with huuuuuge strategically placed hair implants.



Adam christens his new companion, Eve (Goldman), and the two were happy and content for a (very short) time. See, Eve, unfortunately, isn’t so easily entertained as the dimwitted Adam and soon grows bored with the tedium of paradise. (I mean, How long can a person just sit there and stare confusedly? At nothing?) And so, she soon comes under the influence of a talking snake, who encourages her to eat of the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge. This, of course, is forbidden; but no matter how many times Adam says not to eat from it, this only makes Eve want to do it more. Soon enough, she gives in to temptation and takes a bite from what turns out to be the Tree of ‘Carnal’ Knowledge as Adam, ever the dimwit, takes a bite, too. And once they’ve both supped, they both get to fornicating something fierce -- officially bringing sin into the world.




And so, the Great Creator deemed that this was bad; very, very bad, and then threw a total three-alarm shit-fit of biblical proportions to punish Adam and Eve for their transgression -- for He is one wrathful S.O.B., who sends more delirious stock-footage of storms, more earthquakes, and more volcanoes as the magical garden is torn asunder in what could be best described as someone using a tactical nuke as a flyswatter. (Hey, the guy wrote the book on the Old Testament after all.) Adam and Eve, meanwhile, were much afraid, and scrambled for any kind of shelter but none could be found. And then, to punctuate His point, the Almighty sent a giant stop-motion-animated boulder (-- from the Book of Spielberg, Chapter Raiders, Verses 5-6 --) to run those two horny ingrates out of Paradise forever...




Well, now, if you’ve ever questioned if the world needed a take on Genesis as told as an Italian exploitation movie, then Adam and Eve vs the Cannibals (1983) is your definitive answer. And that answer is, ‘Duh! This is most certainly true’. And digging into the origin of this thoroughly misguided masterpiece of Wait, What? Are You @#%*ing Kidding Me? sees two different exploitation streams colliding together to make it happen. For on one side you have co-director and co-screenwriter, Luigi Russo, who produced things like The Lusty Wives of Canterbury (1973) and The Ups and Downs of a Super Stud (1979) while his co-director and co-screenwriter, Enzo Doria, came from the world of the gialli with Short Night of Glass Dolls (1971) and Hollywood blockbuster knock-offs like Beyond the Door (1974) and Tentacles (1977).


And together, these two, along with five more credited screenwriters -- FIVE!, including Gisella Longo, who gave us Franco Nero punching sharks in the face in the totally gonzo, The Shark Hunter (1979), and Jaime Comas Gil, who penned A Fistful of Dollars (1964) and Danger! Death Ray (1967), concocted the plot of Adamo ed Eva, la prima storia d'amore, which translates as Adam and Eve, the First Love Story. Now, you’re probably asking yourself, Waitaminute? What does a love story derived from the Book of Genesis have to do with cannibals? And where are those cannibals anyway? Well, we’re getting to that as this brain-dead mash-up of The Blue Lagoon (1981), Yor, the Hunter from the Future (1983), and Quest for Fire (1981) is just getting warmed up as Man and Woman’s fall from Grace is just the opening act.




And to kick off the second, What if I told you the couple wind up fighting a pterodactyl? Because they sure do. And they also eat it, and then Eve turns the skin into a gravity-defying top. And then, well, we kinda skip ahead a bit to Exodus as the couple wander the desert and several rock quarries as Adam tries to lead them back to the sea for … reasons. And as they wander and bicker, the couple is ambushed by a group of primitives -- but don’t get your hopes up, for these are not the cannibals we seek. But these throwbacks (-- wait, throwbacks to what? --) do truss Adam and Eve up on a couple of poles and haul them back to their caves like captured game. But from what I can translate visually over what happens next, what with all the crotch-grabbing and feel-cupping, they don’t want to eat these two strangers but crossbreed with them. (No. I am not making that up.) But, a handy tiger who was also apparently displaced by the great cataclysm, and who turns out to be an old friend of Adam from his pre-Eve days, chases all the primitives off, allowing Adam and Eve to continue their aimless walkabout.



But after crossing a few more rock quarries, the couple kind of comes to loggerheads when Eve calls a halt, climbs a tree, and refuses to journey any further in service of this fool’s quest, feeling Adam’s still unexplained notion to find the sea is both hopeless and pointless. And so, with a shrug, Adam, ever the escalating cretin, just presses on without her to explore more rocks and sand and then stand around looking confused again. Eve, meanwhile, is captured by another caveman, who is a little further up the evolutionary scale than the last tribe encountered. (Have these guys stumbled into Caprona by chance?) These still aren’t the cannibals we’re searching for, so calm down. But, as her captor becomes twitterpated with her -- let's call him, Kevin (Alcázar), and she with him, he stakes a definite claim to the woman, taking her to a happening make-out spot down by the waterfall, and the two get to bonking. But then suddenly, those cannibals finally show up!



And these cannibals take the form of ape-like troglodytes decked out in some spectacularly re-purposed bathroom rugs and fright wigs. Here, Kevin’s people seem to retreat into the trees. Those unlucky enough to get caught in the open are either chewed-up on the spot or trussed up and hauled off to snack on later. And while these tree-people eventually mount a spirited counter-attack against these cannibals, both Kevin and Eve are captured. Luckily for them, Adam overheard the sounds of battle and manages to distract the cannibals long enough for Kevin to break his bonds and successfully rescue all of them. And, no, this is not about to become Adam and Eve and Kevin, a Naughty, Naughty Love Story. *sheesh*






No-no! Instead, this movie then kicks it's already laughably high rock-stupid quotient up a few more notches with thee most unfortunate looking bear attack in cinema history. And when this ratty bear-prop gets the drop on Eve (-- don’t ask), Adam springs to her defense but proves about as useful as you’d expect, leaving it to Kevin to save their hash, again, as he dispatches the bear after … well, I’d hate to actually call that display a ‘fight’. Regardless, the bear suit is dead and Kevin moves to claim his prize: Eve. But for some reason, Eve decides to dump him and stay with the party that brung ‘em -- I mean, her. But an angered Kevin fights for her and cleans Adam’s yet to be invented clock. But as he moves in for the kill, Eve begs him not to kill Adam. Seeing who she truly loves, Kevin spares Adam, gives Eve one last look, who won’t return it, and then disappears into the trees, never to be heard from again.




And so, together again, after skinning the, uh, bear, leaving some poor stuntman stripped-naked behind them, and using those pelts for some new clothes, Adam and Eve’s journey continues. And as they journey, the couple ‘reconcile’ in a ‘biblical sense’ because Eve has a notion to have a cub like the other animals. After, Adam, ever the idiot, decides to look for the sea inside a cave but finds a pack of wolves instead. However, Adam managed to pick up a few fighting tricks from Kevin, kills one of the wolves with a club, and runs the rest off. Flush with victory, the couple poke their heads back outside to find a rapid onset ice age has suddenly struck in the whole five minutes it took them to decide the sea was not, repeat, was not, inside the cave. That’s me shrugging right now, too, Boils and Ghouls.



But, yea verily, yon ice age would pass almost as quickly and as pointlessly as it came. And as the last of the melting ice broke away, it reveals the couple had, indeed, finally reached the sea. Divine intervention? Knowing these idiots and their sense of direction? It’s the only rational explanation possible. And while Eve percolates with their first born -- and are we sure it’s his and not Kevin’s?, Adam starts bartering with the tree people, trading fish for veggies and something new called fire. And so, Adam and Eve eked out an existence until Eve is drawn into the water where she finally gives birth to Cain, with Abel coming soon after, I’m sure. But that, my faithful brethren, is another tale for another day. Amen.



A lot of you might recognize actor Mark Gregory and his rockin’ proto-mullet as the same guy who played Trash in the post-apocalyptic tale of a ravaged New York City, 1990: The Bronx Warriors (1982), and its sequel, Escape from the Bronx (1983). He also starred as Johnny Hondo in something called War Bus Commando (1989) that just made it into My Must Track that One Down File. This also appears to be the only screen credit for Andrea Goldman, who, funnily enough, acted circles around her co-star. And that’s about it as far as the cast goes as everyone else were just extras buried under a ton of pelts, paint, false teeth, and those aforementioned fright wigs. These make-up effects are fine, meaning terrible, but they fit perfectly into this mess of a milieu.



I dug around some but can’t confirm if Adam and Eve ever got a theatrical release in the States but it looks like it was renamed Adam and Eve vs. the Cannibals for a super-rare home video release by Transworld Entertainment hoping to cash in on the notoriety of the gut-munching Cannibal Holocaust (1980) and Cannibal Ferox (1981). And while there are actual cannibals in this movie, I still feel this is a tad disingenuous because the cannibals are in it for, like, two seconds. 



Still, even though the film kinda boils down to a strange form of marriage counseling, fraught with trials and tribulations, to get Adam and Eve to finally admit they love each other and then live happily ever after, this morality play is then candy-coated with an absurd amount of nonsense, ranging from a go-motion pterosaur attack, to horny cavemen, to the worst/best faux bear attack of ever. And if they taught this version of Genesis in Bible School, I probably would’ve paid more attention. But don’t worry, despite these dramatic liberties Adam and Eve vs. the Cannibals is pretty harmless and not THAT blasphemous. What it is, is gloriously, gloriously stupid. And kinda awesome.


What is Hubrisween? This is Hubrisween. And now, Boils and Ghouls, be sure to follow this linkage to keep track of the whole conglomeration of reviews for Hubrisween right here. Or you can always follow we collective head of knuckle on Letterboxd. That's one down with 25 to go! Up next: The Eyes Have It.


Adam and Eve vs. the Cannibals (1983) Alex Film International :: Arco Film :: Trans World Entertainment / P: Enzo Doria / D: Enzo Doria, Luigi Russo / W: Domenico Rafele, Lidia Ravera, Jaime Comas Gil, Eugenio Benit, Luigi Russo, Enzo Doria / C: Fernando Espiga / E: Gianfranco Amicucci, Luigi Russo / M: Guido De Angelis, Maurizio De Angelis / S: Mark Gregory, Andrea Goldman, Ángel Alcázar, Costantino Rossi, Pierangelo Pozzato
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