Monday, February 1, 2010

I Love the Smell of Nerd-Funk in the Morning :: B-Fest 2010.

From noon on Wednesday, January the 27th, until 10pm Saturday, January 30th, I only managed about six hours of sleep, which is about normal for B-Fest weekend. Now, for those of you uninitiated, B-Fest is the annual 24 hour film festival held every January since 1982 on the frozen tundra of Northwestern University, nestled in the heart of the Chicago suburb of Evanston. And every January for the last nine years I've driven 1400 miles to do battle with my fellow B-Movie fanatics against whatever A&O Films manages to drudge up to smite us with. And smite us they do. Most verily ... a true test of your mind, body and soul -- and intestinal fortitude, and the tensile strength of your gluteous maximus. And here, listed below, is the amazing and colossal marathon line-up endured this year to give you the general idea of what B-Fest is all about.

6:00 p.m. ... Crippled Masters
(Watch and see how a no-legged man wins an ass-kicking contest.)
7:45 p.m. ... Heartbeeps (Watch as a gold plated Andy Kaufmann and Bernadette Peters sit around and talk about the weather as your brain slowly leaks out your ear.)
9:15 p.m. ... Gymkata (Watch and boggle at perhaps the greatest non-Olympic sporting competition ever.)
11:15 p.m. ... Mystery Shorts (Chuck Jones! Yay!)
11:30 p.m. ... The Wizard of Speed & Time (Stomp. Stomp. Stomp.)
12:00 p.m. ... Plan 9 From Outer Space (Remember, your the gas can and the Solarmanite is the basketball. Wait ... Is that right? Man, I really am stupid. STUPID!)
1:30 a.m. ... The Room (Oh, hi movie. You are my new best friend. Huh?)
3:00 a.m. ... Hard Ticket to Hawaii (Andy Sedaris checklist: Lots of naked boobs? Check. At least one Transvestite? Check. Giant trouser snake? Oh yeah. Exploding fat guy? Sort of. This is what happens when you bring an uzi to a bazooka fight.)
4:50 a.m. ... Black Shampoo (60 minutes of softcore, followed by a 20 minute chainsaw massacre. And does anyone else think John Holmes kind of looks like Lou Ferrigno?)
6:30 a.m. ... The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai (Seen from the middle to the beginning to the end. Wohoo! I love it when the reels get futched up.)
8:20 a.m. ... Troll 2 (No trolls, but a lot of Goblin poop.)
10:05 a.m. ... Live It Up! (In Meek We Trust.)
11:30 a.m. ... Fiend Without a Face (Oh the disembodied brains go squish, squash, splat! Squish, squash, splat. Squish, squash, splat.)
1:15 p.m. ... Sextette (Timothy Dalton and several others dance and sing around the barely animate corpse of May West in an all-out musical catastrophe.)
2:40 p.m. ... War of the Robots (Do you like War? Do You like Robots? Then you definitely DON'T wanna watch War of the Robots. Longest game of Asteroids EVER.)
4:30 p.m. ... The Giant Claw (Earth vs. a giant, anti-matter goony-bird. And god bless that cheap bastard Sam Katzman for farming out the F/X to the lowest bidder. Truly hilarious.)

As always, a total blast was had by all. And for those of you who missed out, don't worry. It's only 362 Days until B-Fest 2011. And feel free to check out the Ghosts of B-Fests Past.

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