Wishful Thinking :: THIS is the Muppet Movie I Wanna See.

Weened on Sesame Street and nurtured by the constant laughs their weekly TV series coughed up, my genuine fondness for the Muppets, my identification with these characters, is so engrained that I always suffer a temporary freak-out whenever I see any behind the scenes photos or video, where some stranger has a hand shoved up their nethers. Not. Right. No. No. No... Weird, yes. But it's true. So, yeah, I'm pretty excited that Kermit, Piggy, Fozzie and the whole gang are making a triumphant return to the big screen next week, and I look forward to a rare excursion to the cinema to check out the movie that appears to be about (-- what else?), the triumphant return of the Muppets in The Muppets.

All well and good, sure, but you wanna know what I'd really like to see? Something that has been percolating in my head for a good long while -- long before those glorious trailers, where James Bobin spoofily plugged his cast into several different features coming down the pike. See, ever since the Muppets tackled Treasure Island, I thought, instead of interpreting the Classics of Literature, why not plug these collective Heads of Knuckle into a remake of a movie? And not just any movie, mind you. But this movie:

Can you see it? Yes? No? Well, if not -- maybe this casting rundown will help sell it...

Emmaline Finch, Mrs. Marcus, J. Russel Finch:
(Dorothy Provine, Ethel Merman, Milton Berle)

Annie Sue, Ms. Piggy, Kermit the Frog
__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __

Neville and Monica Crump:
(Sid Caesar and Edie Adams)

The Great Gonzo and Camilla
__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __

Benji Benjamin and Dingy Bell:
(Buddy Hackett and Mickey Rooney)

Fozzie Bear and Rowlf the Dog
__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __

Lenny Pike:
(Jonathan Winters)

Sweetums
__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __

Otto Meyer:
(Phil Silvers)

Rizzo the Rat
__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __

J. Algernon Hawthorne:

Terry-Thomas :: The Swedish Chef
(Subtitles required, here, of course.)
__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __

Sylvester Marcus (and friend):
(Dick Shawn and Barrie Chase)

Link Hogthrob and Janice
(Can't you just hear Link yelling, "Mama!")
__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __

Captain Culpepper:
(Spencer Tracy)

Steve Martin
(Our Token Human.)
__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __

Smiler Grogan:
Jimmy Durante :: Waldorf

Police Chief Aloysius:
William DeMarest :: Statler
__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __

Ray and Irwin:
(Marvin Kaplan and Arnold Stang)

Dr. Bunson Honeydew and Beaker
__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __

Tyler Fitzgerald:
Jim Backus :: Dr Teeth
__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __

The Rancho Conejo Air Traffic Controllers:
(L to R: Eddie Ryder, Jesse White and Carl Reiner)

(L to R) Beauregard, Pops and Scooter
__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __

Colonel Wilberforce:
Paul Ford :: Sam the Eagle
__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __

The Cabbies:
(Peter Falk and Eddie "Rochester" Anderson)

Floyd Pepper and the Animal
__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __

The Duster Pilot:
Ben Blue :: Lew Zealand

The Miner:
Mike Mazurky :: Thog

The Miner's Son:
Bob Mazurki :: Robin

Jimmy the Crook:
Buster Keaton :: Uncle Deadly
__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __

Cameos:

Andy Devine (and friend)...

Mr. Snuffleupogus (and friend).

Jerry Lewis :: Ernie

Don Knotts :: Bert

Jack Benny :: Oscar the Grouch

Edward Everett Horton :: Herbert Birdsfoot

Leo Gorcey :: The Count von Count

Joe E. Brown :: Harvey Kneeslapper

Sterling Holloway :: Tele Monster

And finally...

The Three Stooges:
(Curly Joe, Moe and Larry)

The Three Monsters:
(Cookie, Harry and Grover)

__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __

I'm probably missing a few characters (-- this five-years-in-the-making post was drawn purely from memory), probably a few obvious ones, too, and a few face-palming matches that I failed to connect, but, truthfully, this thing just cast itself. Wishful thinking, I know, but this would be a whole six-pack of The Awesome.