Ten years ago, today, I began posting online reviews on this World Wide Web. And in celebration of this momentous occasion, we've shook out the cobwebs of the old website, and though the Rehashing Project is far from over, 3B Theater is back online, all spiffy and polished, and ready to have its tires kicked and taken for another spin.
So, for your reading pleasure, we offer a brand new write-up of Arch Oboler's end of the world as we know it tale, where no one feels fine and they'll gladly tell you all about it. All Five of them. And to help us celebrate Halloween, we have a batch of ads for Dr. Silkini's Asylum of Horrors posted over at Scenes from the Morgue.
Thanks to everyone who made this possible. Thanks for reading. And, well, just thanks for being here. Now grab yourself a cold one, kick back, and get to reading.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
And here we are. D-Day. And as 3B Theater once more goes live, we offer the latest batch of recycled and rehashed reviews for your reading or rereading pleasure. This time, we venture into the sleazy side of the 1970's with some soggy zombies, strolling monsters, and a serial killer. Also, a lurid kidnapping caper gone horribly, horribly wrong, a harsh lesson in civics, a couple of big-budget blockbusters that went bust, and perhaps the only pro-religion anti-drug gore film ever made.
Blood Freak :: The worst movie ever made? I say thee nay and mayhap, varlot! Verily, this pro-religion anti-drug gore film, that also has filmdom's only Were-Turkey, and a chick willing to sleep with it, is perhaps the greatest movie ever made! Read on...
The Candy Snatchers :: Whether its a forgotten and subversive gem or just another piece of vintage sleaze is up for debate, but what is definitely certain, they just don't make them like this one anymore. And whether that's a good thing or a bad thing I'll leave up to you.
Massacre at Central High :: Come for the massacre, stay for a degree in Political Science. Read on...
Orca :: After his King Kong remake dropped a giant turd, producer Dino De Laurentiis took another, more blatant shot at JAWS with a little Melville thrown in for seasoning. Best taken in small doses.
Octaman :: I really, really, really, really hate this movie. How much? This much.
Prophecy :: You'd probably expect something scary and suspenseful when the guys who brought you The Manchurian Candidate and The Omen team up to create thee monster movie. Well, you'd be wrong. So very, very wrong...
Shock Waves :: Where the only thing worse than being marooned on tropical island filled with water-logged zombies is being marooned on a tropical island filled with water-logged zombies who are also Nazis. Beware the danger. The danger in the water...
The Zodiac Killer :: You'd probably be expecting something kind of sleazy when the guys who brought you The Hellcats and Red Zone Cuba try to make a bio-pic on one of the Nation's most notorious serial killers. Well, you're right. So very, very right...
And we'll conclude this update, and help celebrate Halloween, with a trio of Monstrous Monster flicks from the 1950's: The suprisingly bloody Monster of Piedras Blancas, the toppling terror of The Monolith Monsters, and I Married a Monster from Outer Space, whose marquee destroying title kinda defrauds one or the most effecitve sci-fi thrillers of the era.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
Like a lot of web-critics, I got my start publishing on whatever free host that would accept my fart-joke inspired passwords. And tops on that list was [before the Yahoo] Geocities, where 3B Theater was officially born back in 1999 with a review of The Cannonball Run. For those of you who were unaware, and can remember the [not so] good old days of the World Wide Web, Geocities will be shutting down for good on October 26th. I wish I had something profound to say on this development, but, hey, look at that, my bandwith has been exceeded. Please try again later.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Only one week left until the Grand Re-opening of 3B Theater, marking both Halloween and the 10th Anniversary of of the old website. And since we're down to crunch time, here's another quick batch of rehashed reviews for your reading or rereading pleasure. This time, we've got some Sinister Sagebrush action where a couple of famous outlaws rustle up some trouble of a rather anachronistic variety, some slapstick spaghetti shenanigans, a planet where cowboys evolved from monkeys, and a couple of brutal samples of the Red Man's Revenge genre, followed by a trip to your favorite used book store, where the dust and mold you smell might not be caused by just the decomposing paper.
They Call Me Trinity :: One part spaghetti western, one part Three Stooges short, one part Loony Tune, equals a whole six pack of awesome.
Trinity is Still My Name :: Another big heaping helping of the same, with the same hilarious results.
Cry Blood, Apache :: Nasty little no-budgeter that is somewhere between The Naked Prey and Cannibal Holocaust on the atrocity scale. Frankly, it's no damn good but still manages to get under your skin. Read on...
Johnny Firecloud :: Here's what happens when an old school exploitationeer tries to go legit by combining the Hicksploitation of Walking Tall with the Counter-Culture ass-kicking of Billy Jack ... an offbeat film about the evils of bigotry that kinda gets lost in all the blood-letting. Read on...
Billy the Kid vs. Dracula :: Well, make that Billy the Kid vs. Assumed Dracula as our hero spends most of the movie getting his head kicked in while is gal is menaced by a top-hat wearing rodent with wings. Read on...
Jesse James meets Frankenstein's Daughter :: Though it's villain also wears a bizarre hat, the second half of our twin-bill still lacks the overall delirium one would expect from a title like that. But I still hold out hopes to see the likes of Wild Bill Hickcock vs. the Wolfman or Calamity Jane meets the Mummy. Ah, well, raise you glass to what might have been and read on...
The Lonesome Stranger :: A good old fashioned wild western melodrama, complete with a valiant hero, a dastardly villain, and a damsel in distress with a slight twist.
Also, we've re-opened the Book Review section, where you'll find all kinds of broken spines and other pulp oddities, with the likes of Lansdale, Dick, and Zelazny mixed with tales of the zombie apocalypse, a baby-sitting gig gone horribly, horribly wrong, and The Magnificent Seven set in outer space -- and you'll never guess who they got to play Yul Brynner and Steve McQueen. And we'll wrap this update up with a spotlight review on one of my favorite authors, Richard Matheson, and the transition of his novel, Hell House, into the big screen adaptation, The Legend of Hell House.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
A little compare and contrast this time between Val Lewton's original classic (RKO, 1942) and Jerry Bruckheimer's remake (Universal, 1982) of Cat People ... Simone Simon vs. Nastassia Kinski. Jacques Tourneur vs. Paul Schrader. DeWitt Bodeen vs. -- whoa, waitasecond ... Alan Ormsby is the credited screenwriter for the Cat People remake?!
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Today's film is a thrilling police procedural mystery with a stylish noir flair. It also has solid action, a fine sense of comedic timing, and rousing combat sequences. And when you combine all of that with a great cast, outstanding special-effects, and some startling imagery, you got yourself a very entertaining film ... a very entertaining film that also just happens to be about giant ants...
When a little girl is found wandering around the New Mexico desert alone, dazed and dirty, locked in a silent state of shock, the local Highway Patrol, led by Sgt. Ben Peterson (Whitmore), retrace her steps back to a destroyed campsite but find no sign of her parents in the wreckage. And as more and more people turn up missing or dead under violent circumstances, with the only linking clue being an odd footprint, the FBI is brought in in the form of Special Agent Robert Graham (Arness) to help jump-start the stalled investigation.
Since the locals can't identify the mystery print, Graham forwards it on to Washington for further analysis, and is a little baffled when his bosses answer by dispatching two experts on insects. Confusion reigns as the Doctors Medford, a father-daughter outfit (Weldon and the irascible Gwenn), won't elaborate on their findings and stubbornly refuse to comment further until they find some collaborating evidence. First stop is a visit to the local hospital to check up on the little girl (Sandy Descher). And when the elder Medford waves a glass of formic acid in front of the nearly catatonic waif, the fumes trigger one of the greatest and most effective screams in B-Movie history that rockets right up your spine and rattles your brain as it resoundingly resonates and puckers your rear end in anticipation for what's to follow.
Tension continues to mount as the Medfords continue to play it close to the vest and refuse to explain the girl's violent reaction, and instead, fearing it may already be too late, insist on a trip to the area where the girl was initially found, near the atomic testing sites at White Sands -- he typed ominously ... So into the desert they go, and though a nasty sandstorm is brewing and threatening to break wide-open, they manage to find another print. Splitting up to hopefully find more, and perhaps a trail, the younger Medford wanders off by herself, and as she tries to make out a strange, piercing screech over the howling wind, a 15-foot piece of six-legged concrete proof lumbers over a nearby sand dune, confirming their worst nightmare...
While THEM! was in pre-production, the studio execs at Warner Bros. kept the whole thing under wraps, and only those directly involved knew what it was about. Hoping to combine and cash-in on the successful elements of House of Wax and The Beast from 20000 Fathoms, two of their biggest money-makers from 1953, the studio had big plans, high ambitions, and elaborate F/X budgeted for the production that was slated to be shot in Warnercolor and in 3-D. But at some point, and for some undisclosed reason, the Studio lost all faith in the film, resulting in a slashed budget, B&W film stock, and a return to two dimensions. And then there's the apocryphal story where the finished, stream-lined film was screened for Jack Warner, who was apparently not amused by what he saw and offered that anybody else wanting to make asinine giant bug movies would be banished to Republic Pictures.
With that, and without much fanfare, THEM! was quietly released in June of 1954 and proceeded to stick its ejaculatory duct into Jack Warner's ear, trailing only the likes of A Star is Born and The High and the Mighty in box-office receipts -- and for good reasons, too. What makes this movie work in spite of it's inherently wonky premise is that everyone involved took it very seriously. Starting with the cast, Whitmore and Arness have good chemistry (-- though Whitmore had to wear four-inch lifts to better sync up with his co-star, who was a full foot taller), while Weldon does well as the feisty, no-nonsense heroine, helped by a script that leaves the idiotic romantic subplot on the back-burner until the film's very last scene. But it's Gwenn who steals the show as the fuddy old radio-impaired crackpot. Seriously, you don't want any of these people to become ant-kibble, which is why -- spoilers ahoy! -- Whitmore's Wilhelm-fueled heroic death at the end has such an impact ... Combine all that with another solid effort from journeyman director, Gordon Douglas, whose been rightfully gaining some traction lately for an overlooked career that's finally getting its due, and an intelligent and believable script that doesn't get bogged down in the usual sci-babble or stock-footage abuse and stays focused on a methodical mystery that doesn't cheat the audience, is it any wonder why THEM! has earned such a stellar reputation? For even after the discovery and confirmation of the giant ants existence in the opening act, things are just getting warmed up as we switch gears from an investigative effort to an all out search and destroy mission.
After dispatching the scout ant before it can turn anybody into a snack, a strict, need to know security blanket is thrown over the entire investigation as the army is called in to help find and neutralize the atomically-mutated ant colony. And despite some radio protocol gaffes, find the nest they do, the entrance littered with the bones of all the missing persons. But once more Dr. Medford blocks any attempt to blow the nest to smithereens, and is very coy as to the reasons why until the elderly scientist explains that they must be certain that the nest is an isolated anomoly. And to do that, they must first make their way into the queen ant's egg chamber to make sure no other queens have hatched out and vacated to start even more colonies. For if they have, Medford warns, and those colonies breed more colonies, mankind's reign as the dominant species on Earth will be over within a year.
Using phosphorous shells to drive the ants deeper into the nest, followed by a barrage of poisonous gas grenades, once the network of tunnels is thoroughly saturated, Peterson, Graham and the younger Medford descend into the darkness. And after a few surreal and suspenseful turns, navigating through all the carcasses and a few stray live ones, find the egg chamber, but they were too late; two queens have managed to hatch out and escape. With that, Medford orders the men to burn all the remaining, and still percolating, larva.
Next, our film switches gears again to a race against the clock as a wide dragnet is thrown out for any reports of strange sightings or phenomenon to try and track down the missing queens. They hit upon some luck when one of them is found aboard a cargo ship at sea -- lucky for everyone except for the poor sailors who are quickly overwhelmed and devoured. And when it is determined that a rescue operation is untenable, the freighter is sunk by Naval gunfire, which leaves only one queen still unaccounted for until a few more clues -- including a large sugar theft, and a bizarre, dismemberment death -- leads them to the sewers beneath Los Angeles. (Originally, it was to be the subways in New York, but was moved to save more money.) But once again, Medford wants to find the egg chamber. Only this time, they can't use any gas because the dismembered man's two sons are believed to be hiding somewhere in the 700 miles of storm drains underneath the city. And as the media black-out is lifted, the army mobilizes and starts a grid search, hoping against hope to find the boys alive. Peterson manages to find both the boys and the nest, and though he lifts the boys to safety, the ants swarm to protect the nest and kill him before he can get away.
Arriving too late to save his friend, Graham leads the charge as the ants are beaten back and obliterated in a hail of gunfire and rocket-propelled grenades. Surrounding the nest, they spy three empty shells, but the queens who came out of them are all present and accounted for. With that, the order is given and the ants are showered with napalm, ending the current threat ... But who knows what other horrors are currently gestating out in the irradiated desert.
One of the few things to survive THEM!'s budget purge was the F/X. Here, the giant ants were realized with several life-sized mock-ups that were manipulated with hidden wires and rods that are most effective -- effectively gruesome, when the ants are burned alive ... That's one thing I really, really like about this movie is that the giant ants aren't indestructible and can be taken down with some effort. And though I could have sworn the ant's screech was provided by a loose alternator belt on an old Packard, in truth, it was a chorus of amplified tree frogs.
Often imitated but never bettered, I think THEM! works, and has withstood the test of time, because of the opening mystery that really hooks you in, and then challenges you to hang on for the resulting chase, and then cheer during the rousing climax -- a good old-fashioned giant bug butt-kicking.
Other Points of Interest:
The poster campaign for THEM! at the Archive.
The newspaper ads for THEM! at the Morgue.
The poster campaign for THEM! at the Archive.
The newspaper ads for THEM! at the Morgue.
THEM (1954) Warner Bros. / P: David Weisbart / D: Gordon Douglas / W: Ted Sherdeman, Russell S. Hughes, George Worthing Yates (story) / C: Sid Hickox / E: Thomas Reilly / M: Bronislau Kaper / S: James Arness, James Whitmore, Edmund Gwenn, Joan Weldon, Onslow Stevens, Sean McClory, Sandy Descher