Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Whodunit? Roll the Dice and Find Out :: CLUE: The Bay of Blood Edition.

While watching Mario Bava's seminal classic Reazione a Catena a/k/a A Bay of Blood a/k/a Twitch of the Death Nerve one might be a little confused while trying to hash out who killed who and why. I know I did, and may the ghosts of the Parker Brothers forgive me, but what the film reminded me the most of was the classic board game, CLUE. The bloodiest and most @#%*ed up game of CLUE ever, but there ya go.

And in an effort to help out those who are similarly confused by all the family skeletons and competing factions running around the bay in question, bumping each other off, I decided it was my duty to take it one step further. So, without further ado, I present to you...

Got your handy checklist?
Okay, then. Let's play!


There Be Massive Spoilers Afoot.
Read on at your own peril!

Victim #1:

Whodunit. Wheretheydunit. Howtheydunit:

The Countess Donati is the first to go. But it wasn't a suicide.
It was just staged to look that way by her estranged husband,
the Count, with a rope, in the Mansion.

Victim #2:

Whodunit. Wheretheydunit. Howtheydunit:

The Count doesn't get to celebrate for long as Simon gets
him in the Mansion, too, several times, with a knife.

Victim #3:

Whodunit. Wheretheydunit. Howtheydunit:

Our Teutonic floozy, Brunhilda, after a little skinny-dipping
and a protracted stalk-n-chase sequence around the
abandoned Discotheque, gets her throat slashed open
with a brush-cutter, wielded by Simon.

Victim #4:

Whodunit. Wheretheydunit. Howtheydunit:

Poor Bobby the Boob. Simon gives him a forced
facial, with a machete, in the Bungalow.
And then yanks it back out!

Victims #5&6:

Whodunit. Wheretheydunit. Howtheydunit:

Our horny couple, Duke and Denise, get themselves shish-kebab'd
together in bed, by Simon, in the Bungalow, with a spear.

Victim #7:

Whodunit. Wheretheydunit. Howtheydunit:

OK, the bug-man, Paolo. Him, Albert garrotes, in the Guest
House, with a phone cord, while he tries to call for help.

Victim #8:

Whodunit. Wheretheydunit. Howtheydunit:

Ah, the clairvoyant. As usual, Anna was poking around where
she didn't belong. Saw something she wasn't supposed to see.
And then got her head lopped off in the Bungalow with an axe.
Who knew Renata had that in her?

Victim #9:

Whodunit. Wheretheydunit. Howtheydunit:

After defusing the plot with about a dozen 12th-Hour
revelations Laura, the conniving secretary, cannot deny
her own culpability and gets strangled by Simon, in the
Boathouse, with Simon's bare hands.

Victim #10:

Whodunit. Wheretheydunit. Howtheydunit:

Simon, the bastard son, thinking his homicidal dirty deeds
were done, didn't realize that others were playing the game,
too, and winds up harpooned
to the Boathouse, by Albert
with a boat hook.

Victim #11:

Whodunit. Wheretheydunit. Howtheydunit:

Frank Ventura, whose fault all this is, really, almost cashes
in several times before Albert puts him down for good,
with a knife, in the Bungalow.

Victims #12 & 13:

Whodunit. Wheretheydunit. Howtheydunit:

Renata and Albert, who thought they were gonna get
away with it all, were killed by their own children,
by the Trailer, with a shotgun.
(No. I'm not making that up.)

Yay! Everybody's Dead!

Game Over.


Tim said...

Brilliant, I love the idea and the execution.

Tim said...

Brilliant! I love this idea.

W.B. Kelso said...

Thanks! Still working on completing the actual board.

Sean Gill said...

This is fantastic!

(I just discovered your site via J.D.'s Carpenter blogathon, and I'm enjoying perusing your older articles.)

W.B. Kelso said...

Thanks! Welcome, and happy reading!

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